When first impressions are wrong
August 9th, 2006
Out of curiosity, how often have you been told that someone’s first impression of you was wrong? Raise your hand. It doesn’t matter if it’s that person telling you or someone else but how often have you been told that someone, based on first impressions — lets say anywhere from 20 minutes to one night worth of time with that person — has been completely wrong. It also doesn’t have to be everything about you they had wrong but at least one major thing. So, how many people still have their hands in the air?
The reason I’m asking is two-fold, part one is just to find out how often this sort of thing happens — to which I’d guess all the time and most likely to everyone but it’s always fun reassuring one’s self — and the second part is to find out what you did about the situation.
I don’t know whether it’s unfortunate or not but this seems to happen to me a lot. The possible unfortunate aspect of this common occurrence being that the part people get wrong about me is always the same thing. For a few months, since this confusion seemed to be happening quite often, I started asking some friends to watch me and figure out why I keep giving off the impression that I do. Not one of them offered any opinions after a month of observation.
A first this revelation that people were getting a certain aspect of my personality so wrong came as a huge shock to me. Some of you are probably wondering just what everyone keeps getting wrong and as much as I would normally avoid the subject I think it’s about time to follow some of my own advice. What is it that people keep confiding in me after they actually get to know me? Well, the admission is generally out of the blue but it often goes something like this:
They start with, “See, I was totally wrong about you.”
“What do you mean?” is my usual reply.
“Well, I thought you were gay.”
“Awesome. Guess you have egg on your face now don’t you.” is often what I’d like to say but I usually show my shocked and horrified face and blast out a “What?! How did you come to that conclusion?” Of course I have yet to receive an honest answer — or even a complete answer — to that question.
In the past, as I mentioned earlier, I would often fret about this. How could people think I’m gay when I’m clearly not — in my opinion of course. My first reaction was to question what I was doing in order to give off that impression which is why I enlisted the help of close friends to watch me. Every time I inquired about what they thought I did to give everyone the wrong impression nobody had a clue. Of course, these are my close friends and they know what I’m like so I’m sure they aren’t in the same mindset as someone I’m meeting for the first time.
Through the years I’ve had an issue with making sure everyone likes me and trying to “fix” what people don’t like. This was a stupid idea and I wish I knew that back then. What I had to realize was that it doesn’t matter what strangers think of you. Your friends and family are the important people in your life and they are the only ones that matter. Of course if one of these strangers you’re meeting for the first time wants to be your friend they are going to have to accept you for who you are, no matter what their first impression is. Often times that first impression is forgotten as they get to know you anyway and it becomes a huge inside joke years — or months depending on your track record with friends — later.
In the end it all comes down to being comfortable with who you are as a person. Your friends are your friends because of who you are. Your family loves you no matter what, even if they deny it. Indifference is key to getting over the hump of trying to please everyone.
I’m not meaning to promote a complete lack of caring around the world but just have the mindset that people form their own opinions no matter how much you attempt to influence them in any given direction. Since that’s the case there is no point trying to sway someone’s opinion of you just so you feel better. Instead remember that you have friends that know who you are and if others care to hope on the bandwagon good for them.
So, now that I’ve spilled the beans, what aspect of your personality do you get told gives people the wrong impression of you (if any)?
August 9th, 2006 at 10:32 am
I get it allllllllll the time.
I have been told first impressions of me are the following:
a spoiled princess who does not understand the word no - because I like nice things and don’t like not getting my way :) But I am also very giving and tht does not show up right away
shallow and dumb - because I can easily talk about Brad and Angelina just as easily as I can talk about Lord Byron, Chuck Palaniuk, and philosophy. But at a party, brad and angelina make for a funnier conversaion at first and because I can lighten up about things I get the dumb card a lot.
I have been called evil too. Only a few men have ever called me that. I get maneatter to which is also not true.
With my experience though I find that even my best friend got the wrong first impression of me and he stuck around.
so the good ones stick around anyway.
August 9th, 2006 at 12:36 pm
That’s quite a list Rachel. You’re absolutely right though, the good ones do stick around.
August 9th, 2006 at 10:11 pm
Wow. I would have never thought you were gay. LOL
I mean, I know that I don’t know you that well yet but by looking at your pictures or whatever, that thought would never have run through my mind.
My first impression of you? “Wow. He’s nice. He actually left a comment on my blog! He doesn’t think I’m a dumbass and conceited.” I think you’re the type of guy who gives people a chance, get to know them better before you judge them. Am I right? I think so.
I find people judge me too without even getting to know me better. I’ve gotten, “I thought you were conceited and snobby when I first met you.” When I asked why they would think that, I get the typical answer. [And I'm not saying this because "I" think this] They say, “Because you’re pretty.”
I get that ALL the time. They say that after they get to know me they realize what a good I am and that I’m really a loving and caring person. LOL
I too for years worried about people not liking me and tried to make everyone like me. But you know what, it’s a waste of time. Now I only allow people who accept me for who I am remain in my life.
And yeah, that’s what it’s all about. Family and Friends.
Good Topic.
August 9th, 2006 at 10:12 pm
When I said, “Wow. I would have never thought you were gay.” That doesn’t mean I think you are either. I know you’re not! LOL
August 10th, 2006 at 6:59 am
Thanks Ana — for the thoughts and sharing, I’ve been known to make a few snap judgments in my time but even if I do I’ll still give people a chance to either prove me wrong or show me just how right I was. I generally like it better when people prove me wrong because the occasions when I do make snap judgments they are not kind — which makes it hard to be around those people.
In this internet age and with these comments so far I’m noticing that reading someones blog could be compared to strictly speaking on the phone to a person before you ever meet them. When you talk to a person or get to know what they are like before seeing what the look like first impressions are more true.
Rachel is an amazing writer and not once would I call her spoiled, dumb, shallow or evil — well, maybe evil but only a little bit ;^) — and that’s because I’ve read her blog. Some of the posts she makes shatter all of those impressions in just the first few sentences.
With Ana it’s the same thing, I read her blog and I’m getting to know her as a person. She has never given me the impression that she’s conceited or snobby. Just look at the post where she asks whether or not she should keep a doctor’s appointment and you’ll know too.
Maybe I should meet more people by phone first :^)
August 10th, 2006 at 12:28 pm
First off, I have to say I am ashamed of myself.
I too, before I’d talked to you personally, assumed you were gay. I’m a bad person. It was nothing specific really just little things here and there that led me to that incorrect and asinine conclusion which was quickly dispelled when I spoke with you one on one.
As for what do I get, I get you must be a hitman a lot. Or do you play basketball/football/wrestle? Or you’re a mean person, just because of my size. When in fact I am none of those things in reality.
August 10th, 2006 at 12:50 pm
James, tsk, tsk, tsk… Oh, wait, I’m one of the hitman comment people. ;^) Ah, good times eh? At least we both have something to laugh about down the road.
“Hey, remember when I thought you were gay?â€
“Ahahaha. Kind of like the time I called you a hitman?â€
Both, “ahahahaha!â€
August 11th, 2006 at 10:47 am
LMAO!
You both are a hoot!
*giggles*
August 11th, 2006 at 12:01 pm
ok - first thing I have to say is I don’t know why it bother(s)(ed) you so much for people to think you are gay - you’ve been getting that comment since you were a kid - so nothing new…. And I’m not saying that to be mean or anything but it just seems strange that you are more worried about it now, it seemed like when we were younger you took it in stride.
And second - I get people having misconceptions about me before I even open my mouth - pretty much everyone I meet thinks I’m a bimbo before I open my mouth… I don’t know how many times I have had people with a very shocked expression say “oh wow you’re really smart”.
I blame it on genetics - maybe I’ll dye my hair and get a boob reduction for people to take me seriously :P
August 11th, 2006 at 12:10 pm
Sarah, I didn’t mind back then because of what we were doing at the time (the reason for our trips to Calgary and whatnot). At that time that was the reason people would give so I had a “go eff yourself†response to them. Now that isn’t the case and that’s why my indifference changed as well. Of course, now I’ve come full circle again so problem solved ;^)
August 11th, 2006 at 6:13 pm
Maybe because you look like an Emo bitch? I don’t, just maybe. And I have the pictures of you with the striped socks pull up to the knee lookin’ kindy Queer. Anyway (I put an s here, but your grammer queen bimbo sister told me to take it out), I’m out you fairy.
August 12th, 2006 at 12:19 am
Mark, there are pictures of you wearing the same stiped socks pulled up to your knees — you just managed to continue doing that much, much longer than I did. I’d also rather look like an emo bitch than be balding on top.
Ah family, isn’t it great *rolls eyes*
September 6th, 2006 at 8:07 am
[...] So Michael Q. Stickel finally made it, and the first impressions are in. He’s <a href=”http://screenflicker.com/mike/life/when-first-impressions-are-wrong/”>definitely gay</a>. Wait, I mean not gay. Damn, first impressions are tricky. [...]